sometimes nothing at all..

devoid

unable to sit still for 5 seconds

i'm wanting to hold you like longing lovers

but you cant be that way to me

too many troubles on your brain

anxiety is your lover

fear is your direction

constantly frightended

hyper aware

of nothing thats real

tangible in your head

my heart flutters

not for love but for dead

kiss me cold clammy sadness

devoid

my lover corpse

suck my life away

years i've spend dying away

take me and make me

without looking at me

the saddest empty shell of a girl

i've felt this way before

but now this is worse

cause this time it hurts

empty lonliness sets in soft

i wish i had something

strength inside my shell

i've dwindled away

shead all these tears

empty heart

i cant stop writing

i love the pain

inspiring and tireing

i live for this day

soon it will fade back into mediocrit-tay

if i don't believe in desitny or faith or love

how can i believe i dont?

i can recreate my sanctuary with my own laws

but i'm afraid of losing the things that i have

material things

which can be taken back

burnt up, flooded

destroyed

i dont want to lose it, it is all that is real

am i nothing without my things?

they define my life

as a kid i had a shoe box

full of everything i loved

all those things

most important

to grab incase of

fire, flood

like a sour relationship

if it is that by which we judge or value

our place

our faith

then when that is ripped away

we die

sp dont let myself be my thing

they are temporary

there is nothing i can do to stop

the passage of time

the death of a star

the fire of life.

suddenly

i can see behind things

everything

has an extra dimension

that of motivation

criticaly thinking visually linking

all the imput i'm taking

my heart breaks

beacuse you dont know

no because i dont know what you're going through

it must be worse than what i feel now

god help me for causing unnecessary

i want you i love you

but i really dont

i want wahts comfortable

stable and easy

changing is scary and unncessarily painfully quietly

hurting i want to know

to talk to you

dreams i'm sick in the pit of my stomach

cry empty tears

not of saddness but of fear

i wish i knew what you were feeling
but i never did
now i never will
you were always looking at me
but really past me instead
why would it be any differnt now?
i wish you would share whats on your mind
not the denial i always seem to find
ive been writing all night
painfully inspired..
believe what you will
but i wish i knew what fueled this fire
futile, alone
trembling, sad
ive lost it
but really i never had it
still ill tell you
ill rip myself open
for your disinterested mind
of my fantasy
my haunting nightmare
that was never there
i know it cant compare
to whatever it is you want to share
but this is the thought formed
in this raw painful void..
this image of you
lost in the noise

maybe once i find someone else

that feeling will leave as strong as it came

such an evil game

i'm so ashamed of my pain

but what i want is what i need

else i should starve my sanity?

what does she know anyway

never has known my day

i've made a mistake

so many ways

origional sin

i gave in

but that isnt her

reality: cold

fantasy: warm

flash between

what i want

and what is

sadness

all the fear

it is here

all you tried to avoid

you created any way

it manifests in my artificial love

which comes out casually

to prove your everlasnting flaw

behind those cautious eyes

and all those lies

unreasonable

controls your life

its behind those eyes

clouded eyes

distracted lies

everytime

so far away

i cannot stay

with your fear

your troubled ways

dear i wish i could hold you near

without all your fear

but its today

all you stave to keep away

dont try to save

i wish you could have let it go

given in

let me in

but those walls built thicker everyday

opaque you cry

secretly

in your mind

held hostage by the fear

that is here

in my heart

or not

my love turned away

you tried

but still denied

i felt so lonely

it became routine

insanity, anxiety

trembling

as i sing

its hard to keep

everytrhing insane

behind my eyes

so carefully

if you please

drive away

these days

my hearts so small

nothing at all

my holidays

are so frayed

ripped away

i pull togeather

for another day

hell to pay

your eyes were never really for me

from the start

clouded

distracted

you hadn't the heart

to warn me

whats behind

your troubled eyes

i'm chiseled from a mountain

stoic, proud, and strong

picturesque, serene

yet snowy and cold

tall and bold

deceptively so

since they're so easily crumbled,

fiery, not so pretty now
 
and its all of the sudden,

out of no where

this blast destroying

everywhere

no warning

except maybe a few unnoticeable tremors

seeping into

my infinite madness

please someone stop

this tragic moment

but that is nature

the physics of my faulty logic

and i am the ocean

calm and serene

beautiful sparkling

flowing so clean

when all of the sudden

out of nowhere

i blow up-on you

without care

devastating your whole life

sucking you under

with tears in your eyes

that fill up my sea

but some are my own

i don't think

that i owe their appearance to love alone

but the truth of my crazy happenstance

that prevents

me from loving at all

eventually i cave in

and destiny

floods reckless senseless

i'm so ashamed

now i am alone

i wish i could stay this way

out of your way

but i can't control

this nature

unpredictable

forgive me please

or stop me

hurt me

somehow thats not my fault

what a strange wish

that i could want that

kind of pain

when can i have that real true love

but i'm afraid

there is no such thing

i cant remember feeling

but i remember wanting

it to be

but its not

is there such a thing?

oh please

prove me wrong

wished i was wrong

once before

i think the only true kind of love

is unreturned

unrequitted

classic tradgedity

that is today

so i pretend

that someday

i run to you

true love flows

and so we show

my own mind

the fault inside

but you cant change a man

and you cant change the facts

if i saw you like that day

that never happened

you would hold me close with comfortable ease

and gently kiss me

and look at me

without WORRY

no demons behind your eyes

keeping you from me, truly

be with me

thats my wish now that its tomorrow

but it can't be

never be

i think you understand

but feel the same

only differently

killing me

either way

there is no eventually

only whats today

i cant change yesterday

or wanting nothing of today

i feel pain

i feel numb i feel strange

i feel nothing

i wish you didn't have to be a part of this game

just stay away till it fades away

the broken heart

forgets its lost

something wrong

it should have never longed

for a way

i'm living this today

but i didn't know

i didn't want to know

that this would come

someday

by why today?

i could run

back to you now

and i could hold you so close

and pretend that you've changed

but we can't cahnge

not today

not the way

we feel strange

from the pain

that never should have happened anyway

but tomorrow i'll wish for yesterday

and then i'll live

through today

all over again

cause in the end

we all being

wanting yesterday

pretending now

isn't how, it is today

take it all away

all this pain

like slowly evapoating love

it lives a chill deep

within me

knew it might happen

anyday, but not today

i want yesterday

such a strange mistake

i never should have tried

we never should have lived this lie

my body aches

conflicting pains

knowledge can't subdue the strain

and i cant think

and i cant love

and i cant see

it will not be

if i could fly away into yesterday

take it all away

and tomorrow i'll fly to today

and see myself this way

what a strange mistake

so confused

feeling abused

by my own mistakes

that i love to make

so let me fly to yesterday

and save myself all this pain

but yesterday felt like today

so take me away

all of this pain

and take away that yesterday

but what ive done today has to stay

always

i wish i could say

that my heart is to blame

everyday

save me from this strange

interchange